Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A letter to my husband

Dear Mr. Strong,

Let me apologize for being so grumpy with you this morning. While I appreciate your efforts in emptying the dishwasher, your Dishwasher Lesson 101 did anger me. You pointed out that the placement of this one ridiculous coffee cup basically caused the rest of the dishes to have spots. I instantly became defensive much like you do when your artist friend who still has shag carpet from the 1970s gives you decorating advice.

Had I tried to use the weed whacker or the foliage rocket (credit given to Ann for that term), I would completely understand your need and desire to lecture me on the proper uses.

Since this is my blog, I'd like to point out a few things you may have missed because I probably have control issues.

Take note of the location of the coffee cup.

According to you, this little cup stopped all the water from being sprayed upwards in the appropriate manner because it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that our dishwasher is probably approaching it's second decade otherwise known as the sucky years (in dishwasher years, that is). This cup was the bird to your airplane engine, the match to your forest fire.

I'd like to point out where I think the water spray comes from. And I don't know for sure but I'm pretty sure these little arms are a-spinning when the dishwasher is trying to wash washing.

Also, let us take a moment to gander at the tubing. In my imagination, that tubing should be clear and not clogged with chunks of debris much like cholesterol clogs arteries. By all appearances, Dexter the Dishwasher could be having a stroke at any moment. I'm no doctor (or mechanic) and I could be totally wrong damnit! but it may be time to start thinking about a new dishwasher.

Regardless, let us just stick to what works for us. You cook. I clean. And don't even think about discussing anything about how I do the laundry because I'm afraid I may have a black out rage attack and you could be hurt.

And while I've got your attention, I do appreciate that you are cooking for some of our friends who had to move out of their flooded house. Your sense of humor is always appreciated by me. I hope they knew you were kidding with the first dish.

This is really Chicken Fried Rice not Chicken Tar Tar Fried Rice.

It was hard to give them this container because I wanted to keep it and hold it and eat it all by myself.

This was the best Pad Thai stuff I've ever had!

All my love,

P.S. The cable just came back on! It is a Passover miracle!

P.P.S. How could you?! You told Single Guy about my blog. With him living in our apartment, he is going to be GREAT blog fodder. You've got to fix this. Lie. Make up something. But don't tell Single Guy that I am making fun writing about him.


darsden said...

Hilarious, love the fact you took a picture of the dish washer too funny. Thanks for the first moring out loud laugh.

Unknown said...
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Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry & Accessories said...

Beth, this is so darn funny. Why is it husbands think they know everything about loading the dishwasher and we (the wives) load it wrong? My husband enjoys giving me lesson 101 with the dishwasher, like, every other day! And now, he's doing it to our 11 year old daughter. It's a man thing.

Beth said...

darsden and Dee-Zigns - My internet is acting all crazy (kind of like my husband) and it posted this post while I was still writing it. Weird stuff! It is such a man thing to lecture.

darsden said...

Beth I never could get my lil post yesterday to ever get posted by blogger. I tried at least 20 times hitting that publish button...still no post so I am going to change the posting options today and see what happens.

darsden said...

all that to say...I understand LOL

Jan said...

I'm convinced our dishwashers are siblings. They're definitely of the same generation.

I'm also convinced that I'm the only person in our house who knows how to properly load the old girl. I spend half my time rearranging dishes after Beloved and The Young One.

Yes, I have issues.

Beth said...

darsden - Well, I'm glad that it isn't something personal with blogspot. It could be my sketchy internet. Darn flood! Thanks for being so understanding!

Jan - Well, at least we are in good company. I often rearrange dishes, too. Honestly, I think the man and children have the issues.

Hit 40 said...

Very good! LOL. My hubby is not a clean freak. So, I find it interesting/ sad for those that are. Sorry. Give him a happy pill in his coffee tomorrow ;-)

Laura said...

Men should definitely not be allowed to load a dishwasher, or comment on anything they didn't have to do! You, go, girl!

Michele said...

Oh man Beth ~ mine doesn't even load the fact, he doesn't do anything around the house. Granted we're not married and I pay the rent, all the bills, cook, clean, do laundry...but you'd think he could at least put a dish in the dishwasher and when it's full...push a button...but NOOOOOOO. Okay, sorry for the rant here!

Glad cable came back on!


mo.stoneskin said...

Ha, funny stuff. I have to say that my wife often loads the dishwasher in ways that, ahem, that do prevent good thorough cleaning. But it looks to me (and I am a pro...) like that mug placement had nothing to do with the spots!

Kristina P. said...

Did your husband submit that PostSecret card about loading the dishwasher and the special ed class?

Michel said...

First, THANK YOU for the lesson on dishwashers (because I seriously never knew how that shit worked!)

And I am deeply sorry for the stress you had to go through. I truly feel your pain. My husband LIVES to lecture. (I never listen, mind you.) And there is nothing he likes more than to point out how I could do things more efficiently or "better." I usually get a, "Not that I think you're doing it wrong..I just think it would be better if you...I mean, don't YOU think it would be better if our dishes were clean??"

Now you've gotten ME all fired up! That man is lucky I'm in Sudan!

Michel said...

PS Can I pls have some Pad Thai? Pls have your husband make me some. The container implies that it would be all yummy.

Beth said...

Hit 40 - How did you know about his happy pills? :)

Laura - The man is a great cook so I really don't mind cleaning up. It seems to be a fair trade.

Michelle - Rant away, woman! And pass the remote.

Mo - Thanks for being man enough to point out that one cup probably didn't cause all the spots. 'Preciate that!

Kristina P. - For a minute there, I thought you might have heard some conversations I've had with the husband. I've got to go look that stuff up!

Michel - Can you handle a little salmonella? If so, I'll go to the post office tomorrow! Sorry to get you all fired up. Sometimes the adrenaline rush is as good as a workout though.

nikkicrumpet said...

Too freaking funny...I love the visual display with the Dishwasher pictures. And yes anyone who is living in your home is fodder. It is the price of admission! Chicken tartar HAH I make that all the time...but never on purpose!

Phat Mama said...

*sighsss* We don't have a dishwasher.. can you send me the partially paralyzed stroke victim when you get a new one? I promise to put my coffee mug just where you used to put yours.

Brenda Susan said...

Ha! What a wonderful post! With diagrams & illustrations and everything! Don't you just love un-asked for "help"?
On another dish-related note: I love opening my cupboard & seeing the mugs stacked all wrong...because that means that someone besides me emptied the dishwasher!! Yay!

Unknown said...

LOL, You did a total number, reminiscent of Mona Lisa Vito (My Cousin Vinny) played by Marisa Tormei!! I can just see YOU, sitting in the witness box, explaining EXACTLY how the damn dishwasher works while your hubby looks on in horror!

Correction: I ROFLMAO!!

Jason, as himself said...

Why do we allow ourselves to become SO ANGRY over things like this that our spouses say or do? It happens to me all the time.

Maybe it's because we don't have bigger problems than these?

Beth said...

Nikki - Thanks for understanding the need for blog fodder to come this way. And if Single Guy wants to write about us on his blog (I don't think he has one) then I'm sure we'll give him plenty of ammo.

PhatMama - Deal!

Brenda Susan - I need to adopt your attitude. When I see the mugs all crooked, I immediately set about straightening them while muttering under my breath. I'm sure I look like a mental case.

Jane - I am flattered by the Marisa Tormei reference. I'm fiesty but probably not as fiesty as that girl.

Jason - Exactly! And when I do get angry, I usually end up laughing about it minutes later.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I love the names your husband assigns his dishes. LOL My husband tells everyone about my blog too. Now I can't talk about anyone. Grrr.