I was only kidding

This past weekend, my husband and I had to go to my mother-in-law's to meet with the rest of the family about what we needed to do with her. Apparently, opening the door wearing nothing but underwear is not acceptable in our part of the country.

She can't help it that she gets confused and forgetful. It's just what seems happens to retired teachers.

We went out to eat Saturday night at a nice Italian restaurant. My mother-in-law ordered an eggplant parmigiana. She didn't even eat one bite of it. Just like a kid, she was *full* from drinking soda. She did however order dessert. We grabbed the plate away before she could begin to lick it clean.

This should not have surprised anyone. The woman exists off of bread and cake and candy. She hasn't eaten vegetables her whole life so why start now?

Feeling uncomfortably full from eating chicken saltimborra (or something like that), we headed back to my mother-in-law's house. Soon afterwards, I went to bed only to awake an hour or so later with the worst stomach cramps and nausea.

I stayed in bed for a while trying to will the pain away. My teeth were clenched and my eyes watering. Finally, I got up to go bow to the porcelain goddess. And again. And again.

On Sunday, we finally made it home so I could pass out on the sofa. It took about 6 hours to eat 12 saltine crackers before I was brave enough to eat a cup of vegetable soup.

Throughout this ordeal, I kept reliving a conversation I had with one of my teachers. We had just gotten an email about the salmonella outbreak in peanut butter. She was taking it seriously. Me, not so much. In fact, I said I could never give up peanut butter. A little salmonella poisoning from any food could just be the start of a diet for me.

Such a smart one am I. And seriously, I was kidding.