Monday, April 13, 2009

Waiting for the other shoe to fall

From the moment you were born, I adored you. Or so the story goes since I was just 14 months old and way, way too young to have a memory yet. There are dozens of pictures of me holding you, kissing you, and just staring at you in awe. You were a damn cute kid.

We weren't like most sisters. There were very few fights. Two, to be exact. And both of them ended quickly (and with no lasting injuries). I just don't know what to do now that we hardly talk.

It hurts me to know my boys hear the disdain you have for me (and our mother) in your voice. Did I do something to hurt you? Or has life just been disappointing?

We planned to marry and live next door to each other. Our kids were going to be the same age. And we were going to own a chocolate store together.

Life can be full of unexpected events. The one I was least prepared for was losing you. Your friendship. You.

When you were little, people were always drawn to you. You had a love for life, a light in your eye, a laugh that was contagious.

Where did it go?

When your marriage was falling apart, I tried to be there for you. Having been through that hurt - that heart hurt - I wanted you to know you would come out better. And stronger. It was obvious you didn't want me there much. And when you remarried, we all wanted to support you. To celebrate. But we weren't allowed. So, we wished you well from our dark corner of your life. Did you know? Could you feel our wishes for you?

I miss being included in your world. And it feels like you are slipping farther and farther away.


I hope you know. I'd walk to the ends of the earth and back again to make everything okay with us again.





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This Tuesday Tribute is in honor of my sister. May life be all she dreamed it would be. Even if it doesn't include me.


Tuesday's Tribute
A Jay and Deb Production.

38 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Wow, what a heartbreaking post, Beth. I hope that someday, she comes around.

darsden said...

Oh, my I am so sorry. What a wonderful tribute for your sister. I pray your sister comes around, life is to short and precious for this type of BS. My heart is hurt for you Beth, you can't put yourself out there more than you just did. That's love honey...sisterly love :-)

Melissa said...

I hope your sister sees this. If she doesn't read this, you should print it and send it to her. I feel your pain and understand it. I was estranged from my precious daughter for 4 years and then a miracle happened and all is well now. I would say to you, love her from where you are, forgive her in your heart for the pain you and your family feel and just keep believing that the day will come when all is well between you. I truly believe that it will be someday. Hold on...miracles happen.

I hope you feel this hug I'm giving you,
Melissa

thotlady said...

When I was a wee little thing, I used to think...when I get older I will be wiser.

Then I was older and I found out...it doesn't work that way.

Adults are supposed to be smarter than children, right? It seems children understand more than us adults give them credit for.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to my youth, when my sister and I were as thick as thieves, but then I would have to go through puberty again...and no one wants to see that...trust me.

Halftime Lessons said...

Wow...what a rough thing. But I know exactly what you are talking about, and how you feel.

Hoping the best for you two in the future.

Jay

Laura said...

I'm sorry you aren't close anymore. I always thought it would be wonderful to have a sister. Hopefully she will realize what she is missing!

smiles4u said...

This is so very beautiful. I am sorry for this. I pray that somehow she reads this or that somehow the walls are torn down. I do know what it's like to not have a family member distance themselves from you. It can feel so hurtful at times that it's hard to breath. I pray that you and her reconnect. Hugs to you, Lori

♥ Braja said...

huge love to you...life is hard...we love you.
xxx

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I have a sister who's turned her back on the family too. It hurts. But I've given up.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

So sorry Beth. I could feel the hurt in each word. Hugs to you.

Beth said...

Thanks for all the encouraging comments. After watching the hurt she has caused my mother, I know I can't do that to her. She deserves better than that.

Kristina - While it is sad, it felt good to get it off my chest. And I stayed nice. Because part of me is angry with her, too.

darsden - Thanks. I do love her.

Melissa - She doesn't read my blog. We don't talk enough for her to know I have one. Maybe one day I'll show this to her. Maybe.

thotlady - Without a doubt, children are wiser! And cuter. And funnier, too.

Jay - Your tribute was so heartfelt, too. Glad to know I wasn't on the "bash the family" bandwagon alone.

Laura - I do miss her. It used to be awesome having a sister.

Lori - You summed it up better than I could. I think I've been surprised at how angry I have felt towards her. But isn't that a stage you go through?

Braja - We love you, too. Thanks for that. I needed it.

Smart Mouth Broad - What is it with the sisters? I understand about the giving up part. I'm so close to that. I've said it but not meant it at this point.

Pseudo - Thanks for the hugs. Family issues can be so draining.

only a movie said...

Beautifully written, but making me cry at 6:15 a.m. I have several sisters. I am not as close to some as others and it does bother me. I can feel all your hurt in this.

Have fun w/ the goofy kids at school today.

Mrs. K said...

that was so sweet and sad. I sent an email to my sister sorta like this recently- I don't know why but I guess sometimes this happens- my only hope is that when she gets older (she's 33) she'll come to realize that family is way more important than her happy hour parties. Whatever.

lizspin said...

Wow! Life does funny things to us sometimes.

Gaston Studio said...

Have so much empathy for you Beth as my youngest sister and I became estranged many moons ago... over a misunderstanding about a chair for God's sake!

She returned all my letters unopened; she refused my phone calls; she disowned me. I never gave up and continued to ply her with letters, asking for a face to face so that we could talk it out. I was not living in the states at the time, so time and space was an important factor.

After three years of this, I went to her home unexpected one day and sat outside in the car until she finally allowed her husband to let me in. I told her how silly this all was. It was a misunderstanding, how I hadn't meant to hurt her but I felt her hurt.

We are so close today because I didn't give up and we laugh about the incident. It took three years for me but I would have kept on if 15, so don't give up.

Jan said...

*sigh*

This made me want to cry, because I have a relationship like that with my youngest sister. I don't know what her problem is, but she has gone out of her way to alienate our other sister and brother, too.

Great big hugs to you, Beth.

followthatdog said...

Oh Beth, I'm so sorry. How horrible to lose a sister's friendship. To lose that bond. I hope she discovers the true root of her unhappiness so she can find her way back to you.

Michel said...

Wow. You are such a better person than I am. I really hope that she reads this and comes around, and if she doesn't...then you really did explain.

And it will be her loss.


I will be your sister! I barely like mine!

♥georgie♥ said...

I dont know what to say...I am sending you hugs and saying a prayer that your sister finds her way back...back to you...

Elaine A. said...

I hope your relationship can be a good one again. Tell her that each of you is lucky to have a sister, when you get the chance. I never did get to have one myself but SO wish I had...

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I totally agree with your comment...Ronald MacDonald Is a little scary!!

Hallie :)

texasholly said...

So sad and unnecessary. I hope that things change for the better...

Yeah, I'm Still Here... said...

Oh I'm so sorry Beth. {hugs} I could just feel the pain and it makes me sad! I don't have a sister so I never even thought about losing one. But I can't even imagine my own kids losing the relationship they have built with one another. Terrifying.

bernthis said...

in some ways this describe my relationship with my own sister who has since decided that I am the worst mother in the world b/c I left a man she had no problem with. LOL

I thought we were best friends. For years it wasn't great but then I thought we were mature enough and now, she's angry and wants nothing to do with me.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. Big hugs

Phat Mama said...

Very touching, open, honest and even brave of you, to expose the yearning.

Beth said...

Only a movie - Sorry about the tears. Sometimes I just gotta get stuff off my chest.

Mrs K - It is hurtful when random friends are more important than family.

lizspin - Life is always full of the unexpected!

Jane - Thanks for giving me hope. Stubbornness can be a bad trait.

Jan - What is it with the sisters? They need a good shake up!

follow that dog - Thanks for the understanding.

Michel - Does this mean I'd have to go to Sudan? If so, I need to get some better shoes.

Georgie - Thanks for stopping by. And thanks for the sweet comment.

Elaine - Most of the time, having a sister is awesome!

texasholly - Me, too. Me, too.

yeah I'm still here - Hopefully, your kids will always have a great relationship.

Jessica - So sad. It is probably more hurtful that she didn't support YOU during all of the divorce stuff. I am so sorry.

Phat Mama - Actually, it was cathartic to write.

Deb said...

Beth,

I hope this resolves somehow, some way.

Halftime Lessons said...

Beth-
I just wanted you to know that I liked your sad post so much I made it my Tribute of the Week, and have linked to you from the top of my blog. Thanks so much again for sharing it with us.

Jay

Michele said...

Oh Beth ~ that is so sad. I lost my sister to a heart attack 11 years ago...and never got to say good-bye. I would do anything to be able to have her back with me. I really hope that your sister reads this and knows what a great sister you are and that she should make amends. I will pray for you!

Hugz,
Michele

P.S. wish we lived closer...we could be sisters!

anymommy said...

I'm really sorry. I hope she reads this and calls you. It's lovely - unconditional love is not something to waste.

JHS said...

Wow, can I relate. I have one sister. She is 8 years older. She was like a second mother and I idolized her when I was a kid. We no longer speak. Or have any kind of relationship. Turns out her so-called friends (just hangers-on, really) meant more to her than her family. Her husband is a jerk who finally succeeded in bringing out the very worst in her. And the saddest part is what I didn't see right in front of me all along: She is really a narcissistic, money-loving, terribly insecure person who had to make herself feel superior to me because deep down inside, she is exactly what my husband has told me for 25 years she is: A very jealous person. But I never believed it because I couldn't imagine what I could possibly have that she could be jealous of.

Finally, though, I had to accept it and the fact that having any kind of relationship with her is toxic to me and my mental health. So I had to distance myself.

I miss the sister I thought I had.
I miss the sister I wish I had, but never really did.
I miss the fantasy.
I miss my naivete -- thinking that we were friends was more fun than realizing that we aren't. And never will be.

I miss the person I thought she was, hoped she was.
But I'm content with the person I am.

And that had to matter more.

hip chick said...

What a lovely tribute. I could say I can relate to it...but after reading some of the comments it seems as if a lot of us feel the same.

jill jill bo bill said...

I am in the same boat with one of my sisters, only not as kind and hopeful. It is very difficult, but I have had to just think like she is gone. I needed closure or it was going to eat me up. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

david mcmahon said...

Sorry I'm more than a week late. Gaston Studio just told me I had to come and read this post.

I hope things work out. Sometimes all it takes is one person to initiate a thaw.

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Hey, Beth, saw this touching post from Authorblog. Wow, what a story. And I remember when Jane (mom to me) went thru this with my aunt, it was awful.
Okay, I'll adopt you as my sister, forget Mom she's got her hands full with me and Lexi!
Big hug, Toni

Sniffles and Smiles said...

This is heart-wrenching, AND beautiful! No one can read this and not feel the loss...you have painted a profound picture, and I am the better for my journey with you during these brief moments...Congrats on your well-deserved POTD! Hugs, Janine

Jewels said...

Incredibly moving. You should write in down and mail it to her. She would have to be a stone to resist you!

quilly said...

I am crying. I do not know you, but I know I love and cherish my sisters, so I can imagine your pain. I offered a prayer for the two of you.