Thursday, February 5, 2009

Can't you smell that smell?

Yesterday, a father came in to talk with me about the number of tardies his son and daughter have gotten so far this year. Of course, he didn't call to make an appointment. And of course, I dropped everything to meet with him since he has been a rather elusive parent. Much like Bigfoot.

He came in and sat down. In no time at all, the smell of him wafted over to where I was sitting. He smelled like a mixture of old cigarettes, body odor, dirt and feet. I've smelled skunks that smelled better than this dude. In an effort not to gag, I turned around in my seat to grab the lemongrass lotion and busied myself by squeezing out an enormous gob of lotion. As soon as the lotion was somewhat coating my hand, I pretended to listen to Mr. Stinkbomb while holding my fingers under my nose. It didn't do much to cover the stench.

And to make matters worse, it was obvious that Mr. Stinky has not become a big fan of the 'ol toothbrush. Surprisingly, he appeared to have his major cuspids intact. It was the strings that got to me. You know, the strings of gloppy goo that form in your mouth because of lack of oral scrubbing (not that I know from experience). Those strings stuck between his lips as he mumbled to me about why his kids were tardy. For God's sake, I was ready to never mark his kids tardy again if he would just get the h - e - double hockey sticks out of my office.

That gag reflex is a powerful thing. And when you surpress it, it puts pressure on your stomach. It makes for an excellent appetite suppressant and that is fortunate, as I'm on a perpetual diet.

Right as I started fighting the hallucinations, he stood up to leave. Mr. Stinky stuck out his filthy, gloved hand to shake and didn't seem to be surprised at all by my response. I simply waved good-bye. For the love of all things clean, I was fighting serious hurling urges.

Meeting Mr. Stinky explained so much about his poor children. I just wish the Department of Family and Children's services would do something. Apparently, it isn't a law that parents must be clean. At least, his children come to school clean most of the time. Even if they do wear pajamas and bathing suits in the winter.

On to a different story.... Today, we had a child sent to the nurse. The teacher was so flustered, she couldn't tell the nurse what was wrong. Finally, the kid said, "I drank from the toilet." After the nurse regained her composure, she made him say it again. "I drank some water from the toilet."

According to the teacher, while the class was taking a bathroom break, this child stuck his head into the toilet and drank. Much like a dog drinks from the pot.

And for the record, this child does not belong to Mr. Stinky. But I'm thinking of introducing Mr. Stinky to Potty Boy's mom.


dizzblnd said...

omg.. those poor kids.. the system is sooooooooooooooooo broken!

Kid drinkin from the toilet? Priceless! (and gross)

only a movie said...

I had a parent teacher conference last month and the parent smelled so bad, I was hoping that she didn't notice that every time she leaned forward, I leaned back.
I've got some DHS stories that wouldn't faze you in the least.

I want to take at least one kid home everyday.

Because the crazy is all part of my charm .. said...

I chose elementary education over middle or high school solely because I wanted to minimize the chances of being trapped in a classroom with kids who stink.

Oh, and you have an award to pick up over at my place, though I believe you have already received it from someone else. Obviously you're popular :)

Comedy Goddess said...

Wow. Just Wow.

Anonymous said...

Eww I freaking hat e the slaliva stings! Cant people feel it?!!

Diane said...

Oh my word - I came upon your blog from Ottava Battuta's blog...and I'm so glad I did! What a funny story! (Well, funny cause I didn't have to be there...)

Kulio said... move on the lemon-grass! And the nurse! Bet she sees some doozies. I was a 1st grade teacher for a few years, and remember distinctly the little boy who came walking down the hallway to my class one morning covered in red, blistery spots. He said, "These are not chicken-pox, Mrs. K!" He kept pointing to his face saying, "My mom says to tell you they are NOT chicken pox!" I nodded, and smiled and had him stay where he was - ran to get a pencil and paper and said, "Sweetie, could you just take this to the office for me please before you come to class?" The note said, "Chicken pox?" And yes ma'am it was.

Kulio said...

hey thanks for the tag! Done!

bernthis said...

What the F would possess anyone to voluntarily drink out of a toilet?

Braja said...

Ugh. UGH!!!

Sunny said...

Oh, my God! Those Mr Stinkies are terrible indeed and our job is to be nice to them anyways...grr

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Poor kids.

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, my.

Here in Santa Monica the toilet-drinking kid would get a medal for water conservation.

;^) Anna

Barrie said...

Quick thinking on your part with the lotion. But how sad for the poor kids.

Candice said...

Ah, this dude sounds like a patient I had last night. I felt like I reeked of feet every time I walked out of that room. It was so disgusting!

I also think it should be a law that every person walking through the ER has to shove a stick of gum or a Tic Tac into their mouth.

I should NOT have to smell breath that would knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon. I don't get paid THAT much. know what I'm sayin?

Perhaps you should implement those rules at your school.

anymommy said...

Good Lord. But then again, I could see my son trying a drink from toilet. I would not put it passed him. And I brush regularly.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Oh my! The school house does provide lots of blogging material. You poor thing. My oldest daughter is a first year teacher and a blogger. Endless material there. I can only imagine some of the things you've seen. My youngest is a freshman in college and majoring in elementary education. She works at an elem. school's aftercare program and is also a blogger. I guess that makes me partial to teacher/principal blogs. I'll be back. Loved it. And thanks for stopping by my place.

amy said...

oh my goodness, beth. i'm going to have to take a breather--this made me laugh and laugh, and now my stomach hurts. but not in a way i want to gag. i'm not sure what i would have done in mr. stinky's presence, but i know i would have complained about him to as many people as i could after he left.

i'm not sure what to think about mr. potty. except that i don't think i would have been flustered in the nurse's office, just fighting not to burst into maniacal laughter. this is the ULTIMATE poop jokes/stories. i'm going to share it with my brother as soon as possible.

this blog post made me want to stop hanging out in midtown atlanta for people watching stories and start hanging out in your town for people watching stories. let's meet up twice a year--once in midtown atl, and once in the sticks, ga. between us, we'll create a fabulous documentary novel of human nature that everyone will accuse us of making up.