Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Faking a snake bite and other bad ideas

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I work in an elementary school. It is what I do for giggles and craps. And there are many, many lessons to be learned each day.

  1. Don’t use a sharp instrument to make fang marks on your leg then scare the school nurse by claiming the injury to be a snake bite.
  2. If you really do want to go with the snake bite routine, be sure to do some research. A bite with fang marks one inch apart could not have been inflicted by a 6 inch snake. And “I don’t remember” isn’t a good answer to what color was the little, tiny snake when it slithered away.
  3. Don’t try to fool medical professionals in a Oscar-worthy showdown to get out of school for a few days. The IV and blood work alone make this a bad idea.
  4. Don’t bypass the office when at your child’s school and then yell and intimidate your child’s teacher in the hallway in front of other children and adults.
  5. After receiving the letter that bans you from your child’s school, don’t call and harass the principal.
  6. Don’t kick the teacher after being told to get your hands off your neighbor’s snack.
  7. Don’t scream “shut the f- up” in the lunchroom when the last ‘your momma’ joke pisses you off.
  8. Don’t call the principal and tell her that your child has a right to be upset and that sometimes a bad word “just slips out.”
  9. Don’t complain about a fellow teacher not having patience with a child then turn around and expect someone to feel sorry for you because of *this* particular child. Patience is patience. Grow some.
  10. Students should not hand out their *special* vitamin to other students.

For the record, they didn’t teach any of this when I was in college.

33 comments:

Midwest Mommy said...

Oh lord! Tell me this isn't all the same kid? lol

Beth said...

Oh, no! This is just a conglomeration of the week I've had. So far.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, man, sounds like quite a week. And people want to call teaching a cushy job. Let them climb into the snake-bitten trenches!

Brian Miller said...

you have had an amazing week! faked the snake bite...killing me. there are some days i just dont want to be therapeutic...i am sure you have those as well.

Pat Tillett said...

That made me open up the memory banks!
good one!

Meg said...

I truly needed this today...the adventures at school just cannot be kept in secret...share the madness! You are SO funny!

Herding Cats said...

Oh my god....a fake snake bite? How clever! (or not...)


Your school situations sound very similar to mine. Isn't education fun? :D

mo.stoneskin said...

The fake snake-bite kid is my hero.

mo.stoneskin said...

*slice*

Miss, I've been bitten by an alligator.

only a movie said...

They should teach this in college. And we could teach it! :-) Which is a good idea since our district is considering 80 layoffs for next year. (it's only the beginning of the process, but...yikes!)

Also? Earlier this week, at 7:30 a.m., a teenage student loudly swore his way down the hall and out of the building...followed by his mother... swearing her head off after him. Really cool. Ack.

My name is PJ. said...

I don't know how you do any of it. I don't know how you release your stress every day. I don't know how you refrain from getting testy and mean.

I would want to resort to the old timey punishments - soap in the mouth, spanking, dunce caps, leg irons, whatever. Oh, that's all illegal? What about slugging a parent so hard you kill their whole family? What do you mean that's not acceptable? Oy.

sAm said...

I've noticed there's quite a few things they didn't teach in college - much of which would have been more useful than the "theory" stuff. Hehe...good post! Hey - before I forget - good luck at your half this weekend!!!!

idgtm said...

In my preschool classroom this week it was and I quote, "let's try not to CHOKE our friends."

I never thought I'd ever have to say that. Hang in there it's almost the weekend. Parents are nuts these days.

Just B said...

If only the snake bite kid would use his powers for good...

sun lover said...

Damn you administrators, you just take all the fun out of school.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Run like the wind!

TechnoBabe said...

Some things you just have to learn by experience, huh. I know you have many more items for a list like this. You should write a book when you retire.

sharonheg said...

And I thought I had it bad by working in health care! LOL!

The parents being horrible role models and not supporting their kids' success in school is what gets me most. When I was a kid (ohgod, am I THAT old that I'm saying that?), if a teacher told your parent you did something wrong, you were guilty until proven innocent.

Jan said...

Holy cow, woman. What a job you have!

But...you kinda GOTTA give props to the kid with the fake snakebite. Thinking about that is going to keep me entertained for days.

AmyLK said...

Oh boy! the kid faking the snake bite certianly has an imagination. But after the needles, he might think twice about it.

blueviolet said...

And to think I once thought working in a school would be a laid back enjoyable job. Entertaining maybe, but frustrating!

Kulio said...

oh my goodness!!! fake snakebite, eh? hahaha! of course you always think about the good responses after the fact....like if you'd known for sure he was fakin, taking out a huge butcher knife and saying, with eyes wide, "I hate to do this, but you know that we need to cut an X on the spot where it bit you and then we need to suck out all the poison, right? You've seen the movies, right?"

lakeviewer said...

Ah, these stories bring me too many bad memories.

Jules said...

I think they need to teach ALL future teachers how to deal with these situations..... Like how do you deal with students who say, "Shut the fuck up!"? I had to deal with that too. My first couple of years, I had no idea.

Now, I'm a pro.

Joanna Jenkins said...

God love you! I do not know how you do it. I'd be running and screaming down the street before the 2nd bell rang.

Hang in there.
jj

carma said...

How many years 'til retirement?????

♥ Braja said...

I bet they didn't teach you that you'd be ruled by a miniature dachsund, either .....

Jason, as himself said...

When I meet God, the first question I will ask Her is, "Why are such stupid people allowed to reproduce?"

Cristin said...

I would so much rather deal with smelly crazy old people.

Fragrant Liar said...

Thank you. Thank you, Beth. I have always wanted to be a teacher or part of the educational community. And now I realize, my dad was right when he said, "They'll never pay you enough."

Hugs for your big, bad week that you were no doubt not paid enough to endure. ;-)

A Free Man said...

I;m taking a secondary education course and they haven't taught us ANY of this yet. Maybe you need to come over and help out.

LiLu said...

"For the record, they didn’t teach any of this when I was in college."

And thank goodness for that. It would've been a lot less fun.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

And I thought it was just the high school kids who swore like that.

My week ended with a weird and aggressive email from a parent. I choose to forward it to my VP. Then I left for spring break.

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

No kidding... if they had taught some of this there would be fewer teacher. I have another one to add:

Don't pick up 1-inch diameter burrs on the playground, bring them into class, & pretend they are pop corn by tossing them into the air, throwing back your head, & catching them in your mouth.

Gag, hack-hack, EMS, trip to the Emergency Room, Surgeon called, overnight in the hospital just to get a burr out of your gullet.

...and that happened when I was subbing! Scared the ----- out of me & the other kids & the school nurse & the principal!