Thursday, September 3, 2009

Do you know Lucifer? He works at my gym.


In an effort to get in better shape, I lost my freaking mind and signed the husband and I up to meet with a trainer once a week.

As it looks now, I have a standing date with Satan the trainer every Tuesday evening. Tuesdays with Lucifer.

This past Tuesday, we worked on upper body issues strength. The end result has been ridiculous. I can't even get food into my pie hole. Getting dressed is an exercise in torture. I'm considering sleeping in my contacts and skipping the dental hygiene.

In fact, my husband has a new life goal. Get strong enough to kick Lucifer's ass.

Today, at school, I was sitting in the Opportunity Room (you know, the room where you have the opportunity to straighten up and make better choices) with Mr. I Will Pee Pee in My Pants on Purpose when suddenly the child ran to the school intercom phone on the wall.

Mr. I Will Pee Pee in My Pants on Purpose (as he hastily grabbed the phone): "Hello... Hello... Oppicer." What the heck?! He is calling an officer on me?!

Me (sorely, getting up): "Put the phone down. It is time to calm down and get our work completed." I really did sound that calm. In my mind, I was thinking, "You tried to call the cops?! You little *#@%!"

Mr. I Will Pee Pee in My Pants on Purpose (beginning to freak out, then slams the phone up against his head): "Ow! Ow! My ear! You hit my ear! I'm going to tell my momma!"

Isn't that some crap?! I wasn't even touching Mr. Stinky Pants the kid. Never mind the fact that I can't even lift my freaking arms.

I probably should send Lucifer a thank you note for causing me so much pain because while I was on the verge of getting really irritated with that kid, I ended up just laughing. My inability to move provided me with the comic relief to just laugh and laugh. I'm pretty sure I scared that kid into acting right and flying straight. Crazy people can have that affect on people.

Now, how about some pain pills. Anyone willing to share?

45 comments:

Nancy said...

LMAO Beth...to think I was considering hiring a trainer! Now I know better than to even think about it. Love the "opportunity" room!

only a movie said...

"Oppicer?" - gold.
"Opportunity Room?" - excellent!!
Good luck w/ the trainer, Beth!

darsden said...

OMG I would so break his crayons!!!

Kristina P. said...

Is I Will Pee My Pants On Purpose an adult? You just never know.

Beth said...

Nancy - We are all about opportunity!

Erin - I love kid speak! And it actually was funny that he *called* the police.

darsden - I was trying to make him happy. He had already peed and pooped in an attempt to get sent home.

Kristina - Good one. At this point, still a kid.

otin said...

I went to a trainer and the first day after, I was literally crippled, I had to stay home from work! That was really no gain from pain! hehe

The Peach Tart said...

Mr. I Will Pee Pee in My Pants on Purpose - I love that name. You make me smile and for that I'm grateful.

Good luck with the upper body. Just say no to bat wing arms.

LucyCooper said...

A trainer once worked me so hard that I fell the next day trying to get out of my car. Do we really pay these people?

♥ Braja said...

I would break more than his crayons....:)

dizzblnd said...

"This past Tuesday, we worked on upper body issues strength. The end result has been ridiculous. I can't even get food into my pie hole."
That had me snorting! Been there done that


As for the kid.. what a little shit!
I would have told him.. "you called the cops.. now call an ambulance.. you're going to need it" LOL

lakeviewer said...

Opportunity Rooms are necessary for solving short term problems. Your must have a sense of humor to survive in schools nowdays.

Brian Miller said...

lol. that was awesome...oppicer...i think i spoke like that once, in college...nevermind...i had a PT try to kill me once...oh yeah i got sick and he smiled...have fun with Lucifer...hope hubby can beat him up soon...lol.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I hear you on the trainer inflicted pain! Ugh. But, I promise, if you live through a few more sessions, it won't hurt so bad. Of course then Mr. Pee Pants won't be scare of you again until your arms are "guns" and you flex to show him who's boss.

Great post! Hang in there.
xo

A Free Man said...

'Tuesdays with Lucife"! LOL!

Michel said...

haha! I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I did the same thing back when I cared. She was totally trying to kill me. (I don't want to scare you, but I think she is still at large).

I gotta tell you though, that kid is FUNNY

Beth said...

otin - I've been planning ahead. I think I'm going to cry at the next session.

The Peach Tart - I already have the beginnings of bat wings. Thanks for the reminder of why I was doing this in the first place.

LucyCooper - And we pay them well. There is something wrong with that picture.

Braja - Actually, he had already peed his pants. I was trying to keep.

dizzblnd - Aching arms has been good for the diet. And I am telling him to call an ambulance next time!

lakeviewer - About that sense of humor, is it a bottomless pool? Some days it just doesn't seem to be there.

Brian - I'm pulling for hubby! The trainers seem to enjoy the torture aspect of their job.

Joanna - Thanks for the encouragement. I've been dreading going back.

A Free Man - I'm thinking of writing a book...

Michel - I think your trainer is MARRIED to mine. And the kid is funny. And adorable. He just doesn't smell so good.

Jules said...

Ours is called the "Time Out" room. As in "take some time out to get your shit together before your teacher goes insane and beats you silly." Unless she's just gotten a new trainer, that is.

Nobody is sending me pain pills to deal with my class. I wish you luck in your search.

Beth said...

Jules - I can't wait until I feel capable of beating someone silly. If I find pills, I'll share.

TechnoBabe said...

At least you and your husband are doing the gym thing together so you can both relate to the pay back to the trainer. As for the kid, where on earth do children today get the idea to hit themselves and then threaten to tell someone that an adult is the one hitting them? I am sooooooo glad my kids are grown and then I am soooooooo hoping their kids are not like Mr I Will Pee Pee in My Pants On Purpose. Gads.

Gaston Studio said...

My mouth dropped when I read that he had hit himself in the head... what kind of parents does this kid have that he would 'frame' you on child abuse! Then you said to someone who commented that he is 'funny and adorable.' WTF Beth! Did all that exercise scramble your brain... or is there something you're not telling us about Mr. Pee in My Pants on Purpose?

Ms. Case said...

Effin Lucifer! I tell you what...it never changes, the pain that is. Why? Oh, because I'll stop working out for a week or two, or perhaps a month...and then it's back to hell.

Return to Norway said...

Bwhahaha that was really well written - you had me in tears!

CatLadyLarew said...

Laughing at the people in the Opportunity Room really throws them off. It's always fun to watch them sputter when they think you aren't taking them seriously!

carma said...

much too much torture for my taste :D I'm avoiding all contact with personal trainers...

HeatherPride said...

A perfect reaction! Now what you need is to keep a digital camera in your pocket so you can whip it out and video these moments. Little jerk!

H.K. said...

I'm sure if you look up the word sadist in the dictionary, you will find personal trainer in there. (LOL)

Kulio said...

hahaha....oh...stretch tonight, you'll fee better tomorrow!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Crazy people do have that effect. Brilliant!

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

"You hit my ear"? That's one scary kid. I'm sure you know this already, but you don't want to be in a room alone with him.

A little crazy does go a long way, doesn't it?

Funny Girl said...

Hi Beth, I have passed an award onto you. Please stop by my blog to pick it up.

The Things We Carried said...

Oh my gosh...I have met that trainer. May your husband grow strong enough to defeat him :)!

tera said...

Oh my gosh. I get calls at 911 from adults like that! I didn't know that kids would do that too!
Good grief.

And good luck with the trainer. (That is exactly why I'm over weight...those guys scare me!)

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I feel your pain! When my running partner makes me run up the side of a mountain (after telling me there are only a few hills) I can barely move for days on end. Last weekend I could barely walk after running.

Why do we do this to ourselves????

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Midwest Mommy said...

Ever heard of P90X? My husband is making me start it tomorrow. It is suppose to be 90 days of pure hell with basically some protein bars thrown in the mix. Can't you tell how excited I am?

Southern Drawl said...

This is getting weird...we had Mr. Pee In His Pants at the clinic too! We had to get blood so he went to the bath room 3 times in a row. The last time he was in there so long the resident on duty asked if there was a window in there... Needless to say when we finally got him back to the room he just kept saying..."I have to pee, I have to pee, I'm going right now...." We got the blood and the urinary difficulties vanished, waa laa, like magic! At least he didn't try to call a "opicer" on us though!

Beth said...

TechnoBabe - The gym thing was supposed to be something we could do together - but he won't get up at 4:30 a.m.

Gaston Studio - I have a self-destruct mode that makes me LOVE all the really challenging kids. Plus, he looks like a little elf. A bad elf, but still an elf.

Ms. Case - So, are you saying it'll get better if I just stick with it each week?

Return to Norway - Thanks! I think.

CatLadyLarew - I might use a diabolical laugh next time.

carma - Personal trainers must take courses in torture.

HeatherPride - I often do video kids when they are misbehaving. Then I offer to pop popcorn for the parents. FUN!

H.K. - You are right!

Kulio - I'm finally feeling better. Finally.

Smart Mouth Broad - So, you agree that I'm crazy?

Chris - You are right about that kid! I've already told the teacher to be careful with the boy. Plus, we have plans to video him.

Funny Girl - Cool! I'll get busy thinking up 10 things now.

The Things We Carried - That trainer really gets around!

tera - I can picture Mr. Pee Pee as an adult calling you. Scary!

Optimistic Pessimist - Why do we? Torture is so Dark Ages?

Speaking from the crib - Hey! A friend of Vodka Mom is a friend of mine!

Midwest Mommy - Calm down. Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.

Southern Drawl - I wish I had been there to watch. :) Kidding. I don't like needles.

Hit 40 said...

Not funny!! Too close to home. The saddest part is that his mother will believe what ever he says. And...

try to sue you!!

Hit 40 said...

I went back to read all the comments. I was surprised that most found this funny. They have no idea what kinda crazy that we have to deal with.

Beth said...

Hit 40 - How right you are!

bernthis said...

Mr. Pee my pants on purpose has no chance of ever getting laid when he is totally mamma's boy jerk off which should kick in about......NOW

Sandi McBride said...

mmm, feeling your pain...a once dear friend gave me a gym membership for my 35th birthday. I haven't spoken to her since. Congratulations on Post of the Day nomination!
Sandi

Alix said...

Oh dear God, thank you for that! And LOOK! It's Tuesday again! {evil laugh from the bowels of hell}

Congratulations on surviving "the burn" and Mr I Pee Pee In My Pants On Purpose. In addition to showing the two Satans who's boss, it won ya a coveted spot on David McMahon's POTD roster! Way to go!

Cheffie-Mom said...

Good for you! Congrats on the Post of the Day Award!

Elizabeth Bradley said...

When you and the husband get really strong you can take Lucifer on together! Good plan. Congrats on POTD.