Wednesday, February 17, 2010

And then he played a harmonica

IMG_8916

Funny how a funeral can make you think of your own mortality. Though I was a little jealous of the guy in the casket because he got the only warm spot at this graveside funeral. And he didn’t have to smile and nod as the preacher played a little number on the harmonica. 

There are a few things I’d like to happen when I die.  First, I’d like for someone to just throw away everything in my underwear drawer.  There is nothing in there that needs to be saved.  In my dreams, my funeral would involve a huge toilet bowl so that I could be flushed to that great river in the sky.  All the fish I’ve flushed over the years have made that journey look like a day at the park.  The water park, to be exact.

Since I don’t trust my children to find the right toilet (and it would be embarrassing if my hips got stuck on that final bend before heading out to sea), I’m probably just going to have to settle for a lively cremation.  That way, I won’t have to worry about what clothes the family picks out for me after my demise.  This is a good thing since the vast majority of my family looks like rejects from the lost files of “What Not to Wear.”

Then, at the ceremony, someone could play a little jingle on the harmonica right before the big flush. 

 

I’m not planning on pushing up daisies any time soon. And I’m not trying to make fun of death (or maybe I am… but not in a rude way… but in that way that says, “I’m not afraid of you, Grim Reaper!”… except I really am a little afraid of him because not being able to see his face creeps me out).  I am merely writing down some of the random thoughts that played through my sick twisted mind at the funeral for an older gentleman earlier today.  Seriously, I hope that when I do die (a LONG time from now is my plan) that people will take the time to remember the good times and to laugh.  That would be the biggest honor.

34 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

I have more plans for my funeral than most people at 29 do. It's not that I'm morbid or planning to bite the bucket, I've just buried so many people.

Let's just say that my funeral involves KISS makeup. On me.

rxBambi said...

well I'm 39 and I already have my plot. It's in the cemetery about a 1/2 mi from the house. I walk there with the dogs. Plus my MIL (who died before I met her) has the same name as me. It's kinda weird to see my name on a headstone and know that I'm right there next to it...

No cremation for me... I'd much rather have worms crawling in and out. I might need my body in the after life and I don't want it spread all over creation.

Deb said...

It is important to talk/write about death/funeral plans - and people in our society are often uncomfortable doing so. And I also believe it is okay to joke and laugh when doing so. I also need to leave plans that upon my death my husband is to burn everything in my underwear drawer - quickly and quietly. ;)

Kathy's Klothesline said...

You make me want to go fold all my underwear and make sure that everything is in good order, you know, just in case! I guess we all have those thoughts when we attend a funeral.....

Brian Miller said...

i think flushing would be the way to go...i am making plans for a talking headstone...that way i can leave messages for people...

only a movie said...

wow - I never thought about the underwear drawer.
I want to be cremated. I've designated the spot to be scattered... other half knows, at least. It's a bummer that people don't feel ok talking about it. Dying is the one thing EVERYONE does.
Great post!

Matty said...

Make a will. Specify with specificity, specifically what you want done with your undies after your demise. Be specific about this. Heaven only knows where your loin coverings could end up.

Sue said...

Each time I go to a funeral, I always tell my kids (they are grown, not little)what I want. I said I expect one of them to take my ashes home, put me in a vintage mason jar, and keep me in some place and then throw a big ass party for me with lots and lots of Corona (my favorite drink) and lots of music and dancing! And to make sure that EVERYONE laughs!!

lakeviewer said...

That's the way to go!

idgtm said...

Sounds like you've got it all worked out.

Herding Cats said...

I want my funeral to be full of laughs.

otin said...

My Mother says to me, "Ahhhh, you kids don't give a shit about me anyway! Just throw me in the nearest hole so that I don't take up too much of your time." Can you say GUILT? lol!

Jules said...

I never thought about a harmonica...Maybe bagpipes....

Deb said...

i am sorry to say that i do think a giant toilet bowl may not work out.

i don't like the idea of being stuck in the ground. but honestly, i think about my pre-death more than my death. i have specifics for my husband... i don't want to be in pain, and i don't want to be scared. if i have to be drugged out of my mind to achieve that, then so be it.

Jan said...

Make all the plans you want, but I hate to tell you they may not be carried out. My mother requested her death be treated much like what Sue has asked for: cremation, big party with lots of beer, no tarting her up and putting her on display while her family and friends wept and eulogized her.

My grandmother and uncle took over the whole thing and did everything she asked NOT to be done; I had to fight with them just to have her cremated. Nor would they let me dispose of her ashes in the manner she'd requested; they had them interred in the family burial plot.

sun lover said...

Great minds think alike. I have been working on a similar post for days now. Making sure that others know my wishes for my children more than for me. I just haven't published it yet. I was hoping that just writing it would clear some space in my head. :)

Great post!

TechnoBabe said...

The way I look at it, this body is the only thing left after I die. I have my own ideas of where my spirit will be and it makes me smile to think of that. Cremation and add the ashes to compost of the earth sounds about right. No disrespect to people who think otherwise. We all have the right to our own beliefs and we all can support each other in those beliefs. Nice post.

Mighty M said...

Enjoyed reading this! :)

I always here sad songs on the radio and think "this would be nice for my funeral, this will REALLY make em bawl!!".

A Free Man said...

I've picked the song for my funeral, but that's about it. Beyond that, if I go unexpectedly, my family will just have to wing it.

AmyLK said...

Its not morbid to plan out your trip to the afterlife. I have things all planned out and don't plan on going anywhere for a very long time!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Me, I want to be cremated and have my ashes raked into the infield at Yankee Stadium.

Enchanted Oak said...

Right beside me on my desk is the file called "Funeral Plans" with song music included, as well as my own eulogy, revised every year or so. I have a friend, stricken with cancer, who spoke to us through someone else at his funeral, and it was awesome! I put all my favorite photos on a CD and picked out music to accompany the powerpoint presentation. The only bummer is, my Better Half won't listen to me when I try to remind him of my funeral wishes. He just says, "I'm going to go before you, so save your breath."

♥ Braja said...

That's why Indians (not Muslims though) are so friendly, cos they burn their bodies and in winter that's nice and warming, though not really cos women aren't allowed at cremations....

My name is PJ. said...

Wowwwwwwwwww, who knew that "funeral" could provoke so many varied comments?

Shucks, I did, you did, death did.

I'm old enough that I'm glad I'm organized and tidy; I wouldn't want to leave a mess for anyone. And I think twice before I 'tuck' something away for safekeeping.

Have you ever written your obituary? Some say it's a sobering exercise. I thought it was really fun because I wrote all kinds of stuff that you never see in the newspaper.

What solves many problems with families, is to send everyone a copy of your living will and your wishes spelled out for funeral/memorial/whatever.

Cremation is my choice; no one can mess that up!

Great post, Beth.

suzicate said...

Never thought about people looking in my underwear drawer....hmmmm...maybe I should start cleaning out some of my "junk"!

gayle said...

This is something I have thought about over the years but never have planned!!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

A giant flusher to the sky.....what a great idea.
I just tell my kids they all better hang together and have a blast at my funeral (when they're done crying of course) cuz I'll be watching.

Candice said...

Hopefully you have many many years before you even have to worry about it. :)

Gaston Studio said...

Owen Wilson played a flute while playing a pastor in Meet the Fockers... which is what came to mind while reading this. It's cremation for me and then scattered over the Atlantic, preferably from Tybee Island. Then, I want everyone to have a drink on River Street in my honor. No tears, just good memories.

H.K. said...

I never went to a funeral that was entertaining, but yours sound like it would be entertaining and very memorable. :0)

mo.stoneskin said...

I've never heard of a preacher jingling away on the harmonica at a funeral but thinking about it, what a great idea.

Pat Tillett said...

This didn't make me think about my own life. It made me laugh out loud. You are so funny. I'm going to tag along.
thanks!!!

Pat Tillett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lainie235@aol.com said...

Beth!!
Love your blog! I will be sure to follow now that I've found it!
Have a fab week!
Elaine